To parting and meeting again, and another essay
It almost feels like how we make friends, but not just with people or organic beings.
It has past my usual bed time on this chilly night in New Orleans. I did not drink but I feel emotional. Tonight I received feedback on my third essay for Dr. Kevin McHugh's class on Contemporary Geographic Thoughts, the last class I took at ASU. I had dinner with a really nice friend from whom I have learned so much. I received very kind words from a friend from a workshop on my first first-authored paper. And people showing recognition for my work. Every single one of them would be more than enough to make my day. I feel overwhelmed, lucky, supported. They got me started reminiscing all the good memories with friends, but more so to face the monster of parting again.
Ever since I decided to transfer, in the past 5 months or so, parting seems to have been a big theme in my life. I am never good at it. My coping strategy has been not to think about it until the actual parting is over. If it hurts afterwards, let it hurt. At least I don't feel nothing before it. It was my plan this time as well, but it got interrupted by friends -- people that I care about and who care about me. Thus begun the hurt, so early, unplanned, and real.
It was both so wonderful and so awful at the same time, of some of the moments, when you discovered that people actually understood your feelings, or your feelings behind your clumsy English. They did not ignore them but responded empathetically towards the feelings. For me, some, if not most, of these moments happened in the process of parting, especially recently. I find it extremely difficult to respond to these moments like an adult. I don't want to look too childish or emotional, which may or may not be my true self. But then it's hard to use my sanity to act calmly, appropriately, professionaly, or whatever I should be, under these circumstances. So I shut my mouth or shun from the topic, which makes me even more terrible at parting.
Thus I started developing a new coping strategy through this whole shunning away. Instead of saying goodbye, I say "see you" to friends and I mean it. This is the nice thing about being in academia and being an adult -- I can actually meet with friends again through work-related events, by my own choice. And in each meet-again, we grow a little bit more, and learn from each other a little bit more. I always think about the lyrics of For Good in Wicked:
"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return"
The whole song is, from my point of view, a parting song for friends, and its lyrics was beautifully written. I have a whole list of parting songs like this, but I think all of them should add the "I will try my very best to meet again" into the songs. We can try not to feel helpless when parting, or not feed the helplessness. Surprisingly, taking Contemporary Geographic Thoughts and writing essays for the class helped me come to this conclusion and started to reconcile with some other anxiety in research (see my essay on reflection for an art exhibition).
It felt so nice to meet with my advisors again on the new campus. It felt so nice to meet with friends again in a different country and joking about stuff. It felt so nice to meet with my mentor-like friend again. It felt so nice to make plans to meet with one of my high school best friends even though our plan failed again. I hope we could joke about it and have a good laugh: it used to be so easy!
I used to fear about the transience of the good things, friendship being a great part of it. But I feel better now! I can never say this enough but: thank you to all the nice people in my life. Thank you for being my friend and treating me like a friend. Some of the quotes in papers on object-oriented ontology we read in the class really resemble descriptions of friendship, and that's also how I ended my essay. I know it's far from good enough and I often feel like I can never be good enough. But thank you my friends, for making me feel like I am good enough just for who I am. Or as the lyrics goes:
"Who can say I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better"
Because of our encounters.
I was thinking about parting when I wrote the essay. I tried to hide it but perhaps it did not work. But more than sadness, I just genuinely feel lucky and happy that I've met and got to know these people. I do not believe all people are as good as them (apologies for my cynicism) but they are really really really nice people.
Dear friends, I hope you don't read this because it will make me feel stupid. But I hope you know I do care about you A LOT. I hope it shows. Thank you for making my life happier and helping me to grow. Let's meet again hopefully some time soon! :)